Classes Pastors Take

Jul 09

Classes Pastors Take

preacher03Yes, congregants, you’ve always wondered if this were true, and now you have the proof. I’m spilling the beans. Here are the courses pastors take to get their ministry degree, and the content given in those classes:

How To Make Yourself Look Like You Know A Lot About The Bible 101
–using Wikipedia for historical information
–learning how to convincingly use the phrase “…and in the original Greek…” without actually knowing the language yourself
–modifying John MacArthur sermons enough so that it isn’t plagiarism

How To Keep Your Congregation Engaged For 45 Minutes Without Really Saying Anything 202
–telling hilarious jokes and tear-jerking stories for 40 minutes means you only need to say something substantive for 5
–how pausing throughout your sermon for dramatic effect means you can cut your sermon content (and therefore, sermon prep time) in half
–modifying Joel Osteen sermons enough so that it isn’t plagiarism

How To Bore Your Congregation Within 5 Minutes 101
–5 easy steps to “wing it” every Sunday (if you start to feel guilty, see the appendix on how to prepare a sermon Saturday night)
–how to convince your church that you don’t need to study or plan when you have the Holy Spirit
–the wonders of monotone
–how to preach the same sermon all year without anyone else realizing it
–actually reading what the Bible actually says

How To Downsize Your Congregation Fast 205
–stop preaching against the sins of the world and start preaching against the sins of your congregation
–stop doing all the work in your church and expect your congregation to do their fair share
–preach about money
–stop talking about evangelizing your community and start actually doing it
–making your worship services largely bent around prayer
–seeing to it that church membership actually requires something
–calling for repentance
–how to find that one, insignificant thing that really shouldn’t matter much, and changing it
–teaching what the Bible actually says about what it means to truly follow Jesus

Building Campaigns 301
–101 catchy slogans like “Together We Make A Difference” or “With God All Things Are Possible” or “Rebuilding The Wall”
–how to effectively motivate your congregation to give a ton of money to state-of-the-art buildings instead of the mission

You, Too, Can Use Alliteration For Sermon Points 101
–action words that start with the letter “R”
–sins that start with the letter “S”
–EXTRA CREDIT: Christian words that start with the letter “P” and end in “-ification”

How To Try To Look Hip, But Fail 401
–skinny jeans and after-church buffets
–wearing framed glasses after 40
–to get a tattoo or not to; that is the question
–styling your (facial) hair

How To Keep Alive The Myth That You Only Work One Day A Week
–magically making your congregation somehow forget that you do hospital visitations, prepare sermons, continually communicate via email and phone night and day, vision-cast and plan for the future, provide free counseling sessions, visit congregants in their homes, conduct meetings with church leaders, administrate and oversee all the ministries and outreaches of the church, are always available when there is a church crisis or a congregant has a personal crisis, oversee building maintenance, plan out worship services, lead weekday Bible studies, conduct weddings and funerals, train lay people for leadership roles, and do whatever else no one else in the church is willing to do

So there you have it! Now you can become a pastor without attending seminary yourself. Save yourself several thousands of dollars and still pastor like a pro! 🙂

2 comments

  1. Great line:
    modifying Joel Osteen sermons enough so that it isn’t plagiarism

    Like: Thumb up 0

  2. I love, “How to preach the same sermon all year without anyone else realizing it.” To be fair some do notice it, though.

    Like: Thumb up 0

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