Jesus Got Girls

Jan 24

Jesus Got Girls

Ever wonder…If the Church is the bride of Christ, what kind of girlfriends to Jesus are the different denominations? I did, and here’s what I concluded… Charismatics are the clingy, needy girlfriend Episcopaleans are the girl that’s really only with you for the social life Catholics are the intensely crazy girl you can’t decide to keep or break up with Calvinists are the girl who you can’t seem to break up with no matter how hard you try Atheists are the cheerleader that pays attention to jocks and doesn’t even realize you sat next to her in Science class Nazarenes are the girl that no one ever noticed in Science class Unitarians are the nymphomaniac girlfriend who sleeps around with everyone Word of Faith are the women who marry you for your money Methodists are the girl who tries to become whichever guy they are currently dating wants Church of Christ are the girl who read your 5th grade diary, believe they know everything about what you want unlike all the other girls you’ve dated, and now religiously wears Hulk Hogan branded clothing Baptists are the girl who bad-mouths all your ex-es Oneness Pentecostals are the girl who makes you give up all your friends if you are going to date her Lutherans are the girl who lives in another town and comes to visit once/month Non-denominational churches are the girl who wants to make it clear she doesn’t want to be associated with anyone you’ve ever dated Any more you would add to the list? 🙂 –Compiled by Tim Falk and Joel...

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How To Know If You Can Make It As A Televangelist/Preacher (And Then Lose It)

Feb 23

How To Know If You Can Make It As A Televangelist/Preacher (And Then Lose It)

Do any of the following apply to you? Your last name rhymes with Swaggart/Haggard Your first name has a great ring to it if you add a “y” to it, such as Ben, Ted, Jim, etc. Even when you’re on a security camera in the mall, you feel the need to weep. You cry anytime you’ve done something wrong. You have fun at the expense of pushovers—literally. You seem to have an unusual amount of handkerchiefs and olive oil lying around. You suddenly come up with an ingenious way of turning those items into loads of cash. God’s call on you to reach the world for Christ is so strong, you have felt compelled at various times in your life to purchase a personal jet. You’ve been working on a new book entitled, How To Love God And Mammon: What Jesus Only Wishes He Could Have Known You have always believed that in order to find your virginity, you must first lose it. God has given you at least two of the following prophetic words for your ministry: Robin Hood had it all backwards. Your ministry should be modeled after the philosophy of the Chicago Cubs: People will continue to give you money if you promise them that things will be better next year Standalone verses in the Bible can mean so much more if you’re willing to let them stand alone. The real definition for Trinity: “God”–one word, three syllables. God is calling you to reach everyone in the world for Christ (except your children). Your wife enjoys dying her hair blue, and you think it looks kinda sexy. ============================================================================ 10-12 Correct: I think you’ve just discovered TBN’s call on your life 7-9 Correct: With a little more determination, you can become a household name 4-6 Correct: The best you can hope for is to be a traveling evangelist in the rural town circuit 0-3 Correct: You’re just a wannabe evangelist/preacher. You’ll need to find a real...

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Homeless Blog Looking For A Nice Place To Stay For Awhile

Dec 03

Homeless Blog Looking For A Nice Place To Stay For Awhile

Dear People Who Read Me, To the countless masses of who read me so dutifully and faithfully, I ask a favor. After being hosted by (company name redacted) for a year or two, I feel it is time for me to move on to another place to rent out space. While I paid my rent each month, the space was a little cramped, and the landlord didn’t do a good job of fixing things up in a timely manner. So I’m trying out a new web host company to see if this works out better. How can you help? Well, of course I’d appreciate any money you could spare to pay the rent (it’s a bit higher here), but I’m realistic–I don’t expect that to happen. But what would help out is if you wouldn’t mind browsing through several blog posts today. I’d like to see what happens to my home (server) when lots of guests (web traffic and hits) stop by. My webmaster, Tim, (who dutifully and faithfully writes everything I tell him to) will monitor my status to see if this new home will hold up. And if you notice me being more sluggish than usual when you click on pages or anything, please send me a note (you can comment below on this post, or comment on Facebook), so I can pass it on to Tim. I mean, really…is this too much to ask? I’ve been giving you lots of deep thoughts and spiritual insights for almost a year now. It’s just a small way to give back. Live Long And Prosper, Out Of My Falkan...

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Only In Alabama

Dec 17

Ok, maybe not just here in Alabama, but it makes for a compelling blog title. Check this out. It’s a real filing by a law firm to move a trial to a later date. Enjoy!

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